It is time to forgive ourselves

As I was just walking outside under the full moon, I pondered why my life is so strange and uncertain right now. Many positive things have happened in my life recently, yet I seem unable to perceive them as such. Instead, I have been wallowing in a dark pit of sadness and confusion. What is wrong? Why do I feel as if everything in my life is falling apart and things are not turning in my favor? Why do I perceive things in a negative way even though there could be silver linings on the horizon?

At some point in the walking path, I stood at crossroads, looking at the bright full moon beautifully reflected in a small lake beside me. I got a sudden epiphany: Fear is the reason for my inability to embrace the potential positive changes in my life. But fear of what? As I continued walking, the answer hit me suddenly: I fear because I feel unworthy, as if I do not deserve the blessings soon to come into my life. Interestingly, this revelation resonated strongly. I kept walking and thought: Why do I feel unworthy? It only took a few seconds and “guilt” popped into my mind followed by an intense energy jolt in my spine. Of course, it was so obvious but as I wallowed in a pit of lower emotions, I could not see it.

The divine law of karmic balancing

In this life and many of the past incarnations, I have engaged in many deeds I am not proud of. I have played in the lower consciousnesses of manipulation, control, violence and deception in many lifetimes. These lower consciousnesses always are a “zero-sum game” or a parasitical energy exchange: My egoic gain is your loss. A thief becomes rich at the expense of another man losing everything. A leader who seizes power through means of violence results in the existing elite losing everything. Due to the divine law of balance, or commonly called “karma”, every lower act creates a karmic debt, which needs to be paid before we can move on to the next level of higher consciousness. We are to incarnate again and again until we have resolved those karmic debts by being at the receiving end of what we had inflicted earlier. This way, our soul can experience all perspectives and learn that these lower acts come at a high cost. As everything and everyone is connected to the divine fabric of infinite creation, the thief steals from himself and the realization of this fact is guaranteed through karmic justice. The driving force of the human experience is our emotions, representing the energies flowing through us and opening the pathways to higher realms. Karmic justice does not necessarily imply that exactly the same crime happens to us which we had inflicted on others before. The goal is to balance the experience of emotions to perceive all sides. For example, we might have betrayed another and stolen everything from him but at some later point, we lose our ill-gotten wealth in a natural disaster. The end result is the same, as we feel the desperation of having lost everything regardless of its cause. Last but not least, the law of karmic justice is important to maintain a certain level of stability and to prevent catastrophic destruction of this planet. If karma did not exist and we could commit whatever crimes without consequence, humanity would have gone extinct a long time ago. Fortunately, every negative deed is counteracted which prevents brutal violence and selfish crime to spiral out of control.

Spartacus and Ancient Rome

Weeks ago, as I felt desperate and defeated, I came across the TV series of Spartacus, a slave in Ancient Rome, who led a rebellion and was triumphant against overwhelming odds. The show is very graphic, displaying a lot of brutalities and sexual violence, as it attempts to realistically portray life in the Roman Republic. Life was cheap back then, especially for slaves, suffering and death were omnipresent. Furthermore, the duality was extreme in that many people did everything to gain political power, influence and glory even if it meant leaving a trail of corpses behind. Needless to say that karmic justice is being delivered reliably and often swiftly to balance the scales. A central theme in the show Spartacus is Love. There are two types of love, creating a stark contrast: True love and egoic love. True love is something that overwhelms us, washes us away like a strong current connected to higher realms. It is pure and unconditional, a powerful motivating force to move mountains. In contrast, egoic love seeks to force love from others, which we are denying to ourselves. This of course never works and only perpetuates further suffering to others.

In the last weeks and months, I have received many references to Ancient Rome, an era that is very familiar to me and resonating deeply within my soul. It was an era of extreme duality, an intense competition between selfish lower desires and between higher divine causes. Spartacus was motivated by the loss of this wife and engaged in a lot of violence. Still, his intentions were pure and he did not accept the status quo of the Roman law at that time, where some people were sold like cattle to be butchered or abused at will. Spartacus had higher visions of all people being equal, as he led his slave army against the forces of Rome. He followed higher guidance and could secure many victories against a superior opponent. Nevertheless, there was so much violence, betrayal and suffering. As I watched this show, it triggered many traumas within my body, as if I was reliving what I had experienced in the past. This show truly is emblematic of the human experience: Seemingly never-ending cycles of division, conflict and suffering.

Forgiveness liberates us from the past

As the visceral sensations of the past were bubbling up within me, I realized that I needed to accept and feel those dark emotions to be able to clear them once and for all. Leaving those old timelines behind is crucial to be able to move to new, better timelines, those that humanity has not traveled on for eons. The last few weeks were very transformative in my life with many positive physical shifts. Still, I felt defeated, lost and helpless. As stated before, I realized that I felt fear of being unworthy of those blessings due to feeling guilt for what I have done in the past. Too many times I have gotten blood on my hands, as I participated in the lower human experience, tormented in dualistic separation. I believe that I have personally closed the majority of my karmic debts, yet I still was not ready to enter higher timelines and to receive divine blessings. Because I felt guilty for what I did, even though it is of the past. Hence, I wallowed in sorrow and self-pity wondering why I am being punished by the universe. While in reality, my fear and guilt were linking me firmly to lower timelines, preventing me from accepting the gifts, which are attempting to enter my life.

The lady who worked with me and played such a crucial part in my spiritual awakening departed from my life again after a series of dramatic and unpleasant events. The unfolding theater about 2 months ago unveiled many of my own unhealed wounds and repressed traumas from the past, which I was not even aware of. I needed to confront many of those wounds, many of which seem to link to past eras such as Rome. A dominant theme for me is to be separated from my loved ones due to a higher mission, e.g. a military campaign over a long period of time. As a consequence, I oftentimes could not be there for my family and a strong fear I sense is that I am being betrayed by my wife, who seeks the affection of other men in my absence. This trauma is very strong for me and coming up again as I type these letters. It is so terrible because I am following a higher mission, selflessly risking my life and what is my reward? Being betrayed by those who are dearest to my heart. It is a terrible thing, something which hurts more than a thousand knife cuts would, piercing and splitting my heart into two.

Of course, the lady and I never had anything romantic between us. These were merely my delusions and projections, even though I feel a deeper connection, a strong bond unblemished by the past sufferings of the human experience. I now realize that I suffered from spiritual hubris as I was keenly aware of her core traumas but was totally unable to see my own. Thus, this all was a very humbling experience for me to firmly plant my feet on the ground again, rooted in the here and now. Nevertheless, I now am aware that the lady did not consciously try to hurt me with her behaviors. She merely followed the script laid out by her higher self to vigorously hold a mirror into my face so I can face those remaining unresolved shadows within myself. With this awareness, I now have more clarity. Yet, a sense of guilt remains about my own negative actions towards her. What I did to her was also a replay of old, lower timelines and pushed a lot of repressed traumas to the surface. While my dominant emotion is guilt, hers certainly is a shame and my actions in the past have poked this wound – not with a stick but with a hammer.

So I certainly feel a strong sense of guilt for my own unconscious actions in the past. It goes hand in hand with a feeling of unworthiness for new, higher timelines. “I just don’t deserve those blessings” came to mind. In a vision, a few months back, I also saw myself as a poor and dirty beggar, tarnished through the brutality of this world. Even though divine blessings in the form of unconditional higher love were in front of me, I was unable to accept them. Hence, it is time now for me to forgive myself first and foremost for what I have done in the past. The karmic balance in this regard is already settled and there is nothing to make amends for. We have been stuck in those old cycles for way too long and countless lessons have been learned.

Many higher blessings are already at our doorstep, waiting for us to receive them. It depends on us alone, how quickly we are ready. For instance, due to my unresolved karmic issues, I would have been unable to accept divine love into my life. If it had come earlier, I would have sabotaged and destroyed it because I unconsciously found myself not worthy of it. Without a doubt, divine love is waiting for me at a higher level at the mountain top, which I can only reach when I liberate myself from the old baggage. Today’s events have been an important step in this direction. Thank you for reading.