The divine masculine has the right to express his emotional needs
I don’t know where to start. This post is about my feelings for the lady who worked for me but now has left me again like last year, where she suddenly escaped with her ex-boyfriend. This time the main reason for her escape was not another man, although it could be part of it. I am not sure. Her main reason to leave this community was fear of the events which are going to come in the near future. As my mission to expose the corruption here nears its dramatic climax, she and her mother both have received dreams of everything burning and people running around in confusion and despair. Fair enough, this could very well be the case. Things might be burning soon here in a literal sense or in a symbolic sense, e.g. people just might lose their minds as they sense their entire financial existence fall to ashes along with their forsaken investments into this apparently failed project. I don’t want to predict the future and that is also not possible as there are still several different timelines that could unfold depending on the free will choices of all people involved. Some of the potential timelines are more positive, others a bit more tumultuous. But as always the universe has our best interest in mind and sometimes we just need to go through extreme hardship to wake up to some antiquated belief patterns within ourselves, which need to be broken through a violent external jolt, or a series thereof.
We shall see and I will keep you updated on what is happening. This post is about myself and how I feel, for a change. This whole blog and the vast majority of posts were about my higher mission, where I am doing certain actions commanded through the divine to affect positive outcomes in this project here in South America. With a few exceptions, all posts are about my mission and about achieving a higher divine objective because I was tasked to do so. And like every good soldier, I just followed along. When God told me to jump, I never asked “why?”. Instead, I always asked, “how high?”. My whole existence, especially since mid-2020, is dedicated to a higher cause. For instance, in a post about the rediscovery of the divine masculine (see https://lightprism.net/2021/07/18/redemption-of-the-divine-masculine/), I wrote how it is selfless and protective of the feminine aspects in its mission to bring light into the shadows in order to defeat evil. However, I have missed an important aspect of the equation: Consideration for my own feelings. What do I feel? What do I want? What does my heart long for?
At the moment as I write this, I feel really sad and alone. Since last Sunday, I am sick and have been spending most of the time in bed. Yet again, my body has forced me to take a rest to integrate certain energies and to reshift my perspective on something I had missed. So I am using this opportunity to do something I never do: To write about my own feelings regardless of a higher mission or a higher cause. My own feelings matter as well and they are not supposed to be sacrificed on the altar of masculine selflessness. My emotions are part of the divine masculine and should be accepted and integrated into a holistic and balanced picture.
A dark but necessary theater play
Last week, on Sunday, I called the lady to tell her some insight I had received about one of her core traumas. I won’t get into details here but I had a very strong intuition that the lady still has a massive trauma from her youth, something really dark, and she is running away from it. Every time I tried to direct her to this trauma, to dig deeper within her past and partially suppressed memories, she did not really want to go there. She rationalized away that such a trauma could even exist, while I got a strong vision and details about it. Moreover, she even used her religious beliefs to justify that she does not need to look anymore at these traumas. She told me that “the past is the past” and some things should better be left behind. What really upset me the most was that she projected her fears onto my healing toolbox, which I had used successfully several times to heal her traumas. As described in many posts on this blog, we talked a lot, she told me things about her past, something triggered her and I could feel her traumas in my body and ultimately clear them for her. This process was incredibly fascinating, if not even miraculous and it obviously helped the lady a lot. Again, I won’t get into details but certain addictive patterns of her, or where she was chasing certain things in the outer world, faded away as I resolved some of her very deep core traumas. Of course, I always had her agreement, even though sometimes subconscious and passive but she let me do the process and surrendered to it. This time, I found it really frustrating that she was suddenly locking herself down completely so I could not even help her anymore.
In our phone call on Sunday, she told me that she wants to leave this community as quickly as possible. I sensed a strong undertone of fear in her, probably linked to her unresolved traumas. Nevertheless, I surrendered to what she had to say, despite feeling very hurt inside by her actions. I told her that I needed to face my own emotions internally and she is not responsible for how I feel. One day later on Monday, my emotions about the situation drastically shifted though. Intense anger at the lady and her irresponsible and selfish behavior bubbled up within me. Just 6 weeks before, she came here to become more self-sustainable, she started a job here and assumed several responsibilities. And now she was just leaving everything and everyone behind because of some irrational feelings emerging from her unhealed emotional shadows. But most importantly, I was sad and angry that she left me behind, just like last year. All of a sudden, she escaped due to some unconscious aspects within her she was not ready to face internally, so she needed to play a dramatic theater with other people in the outer world. Right from the start, I knew that at some point in the future, she would regret her decision from last year. And many other people saw it similarly and told her but she did not listen and stubbornly kept following her neurotic theater play, which stemmed from certain unresolved traumas. This time, it seems very similar and that is why it made me so angry. Hasn’t she learned anything? Were the healing sessions I did for her absolutely useless?
I know that I need to follow my emotions always like a sailboat is directed by the changing winds and currents in the wide ocean. So I decided to listen to my anger and not to repress it as I first wanted to do. I meditated extensively about the situation and got the intuition that I would need to mirror and trigger the lady to the extreme. Instead of passively tolerating her behavior and letting her “get away with” running away from her shadows, I would mirror her so strongly that I would shove the shadows directly in her face if she wanted to or not. I knew this could be unpleasant and our harmonious relationship could be jeopardized, but I got the green light from my intuition that this was necessary. But how could I ideally mirror and trigger her? Well, I knew that the things she was running away from were related to how she is perceived publicly. Even though the lady had opened up a lot, being more vulnerable, she now had reverted to putting up the facade of being the “strong and independent” woman who has all the answers. Moreover, there was a touch of this “Christian self-righteousness” mixed into it, as she was trying to cover up some of her dark impulses by putting up a show of innocence and a “holier-than-though” attitude. I would need to attack her facade with full force and bring it down, maybe creating an opening for her to look at some things she was running away from. I figured that the most effective way to “tear down her facade” was to publish a post on this blog where I was going into detail about the traumas she was avoiding and how she instead started to play them out again in the external through her highly unconscious behavior. As the post was public for the whole world to see, I knew this would trigger some of her darkest fears, i.e. that she would not be able to control any more of how other people perceived her.
So I did publish this post, which hit the nail on the head apparently. Nevertheless, I had mixed feelings about it as I knew it was not exactly the nicest thing to do to her. A good analogy would be:
I sent her a link to the post, along with some very direct and maybe even harsh opinions about some of her recent behaviors, from my humble perspective. For instance, I told her that she was repeating certain patterns of her family line, even though she always complained about the unconsciousness and lack of responsibility of other family members. I also told her that the profile photo she had put up again recently into her Whatsapp also exuded a certain type of image to the outer world, which was mirroring her repressed traumas. Well, her reaction did surprise me though, as she told me to take that post offline immediately or I would hear from her lawyer. At that point, I already wanted to take the post offline but an inner voice told me to “hold the line” like a general is commanding his soldiers to not give in to opposing forces. So I did not react to her demand and waited. I did not believe she would act on her threat but apparently, she and her grandmother went to a lawyer later that day and showed him the blog post. The lady told me I was attempting character assassination but I never published her name anywhere in the post, so I knew that legally she could not enforce anything. The lawyer could have attempted to talk to me to reach a certain agreement but nothing more than that. So, I was really surprised that she actually went to the lawyer, which was quite an extreme reaction. Nevertheless, I realized that her reaction matched mine, as we both tried to force the other person to do something. I attempted to force her to finally start looking at her repressed past and emotional traumas, while she went to extreme lengths to stop me from doing so. In retrospect, it is almost comical what we did to each other, like a ridiculous caricature. Interestingly, this marked the first time that we were directly triggering and fighting each other at this level of intensity. Before she mostly triggered my deepest fears and I assisted her in her healing journey like a teacher would help a student.
It was a theater play we needed to play out to learn certain lessons, even though it was very ugly and quite dark. On my part, I processed extreme feelings of fear as this situation played out. As I processed those dense emotions, I got further visions about the lady’s core traumas, which I explained to her in another message, this time as a private message only. Moreover, I saw a strange vision, where the lady and I were standing inside a burning infinity sign, the “lying 8”, both separated by a wall of fire. A few days later, I got another vision where the fire level had subsided a bit and appeared more like a bonfire. The lady and I were still separated by it, as we were sitting across the bonfire but the flames were not burning that intense anymore. It was almost a comfortable and cozy atmosphere, certainly, a significant shift had occurred. I decided to write her a detailed message where I also revealed the feelings I had for her. I felt so tired of these theater plays so I wanted to let her know of how I feel, even though I was scared that she would absolutely reject it or even laugh at what I wanted to express:
I would like to take this opportunity to open up here, despite the risk that you might hate me now abysmally. I have always felt a strong bond with you, which goes far beyond the normal romantic puppet theater (such as with Rosa). The time with you has always advanced me on the one hand very much, even if it was sometimes sooooo brutal, but still I enjoyed every minute with you. For you, I would go into the deepest abysses of humanity and confront and conquer the most hideous demons if it would help you for your healing. My feelings for you are deep and wide like an ocean and cannot be put into words, any attempt would not do them justice.
Having revealed what I feel for her, I proceeded to let her go, so she could walk on her own path, wishing her all the best:
Nevertheless, I have become aware that I must continue to work hard on myself and you have reflected to me much that needs attention in me. Moreover, I have realized that I cannot control you and do not want to, because that would be selfish and egoistic of me. I admit, I would like nothing more from the bottom of my heart than to have you by my side and to overcome great challenges together with you, as well as to just have a good time in general and to enjoy every God-given breath in this world. I admit, just the day before yesterday I had a complete breakdown and something broke open in my heart. I felt the most ardent desire to be with you and hold you as the wall around your heart collapses and everything flows out of you that no longer serves. But I also know that this is beyond my control and I must surrender to fate and divine destiny and this I will do. With this in mind, I wish you all the best for the rest of your life and don’t worry about me, I will continue to fight my way through. And even if you end up with someone else, that would be okay with me if that’s what you want from your heart. I accept everything as it comes and let you go your own way. All the best for you and I remain with the following saying from the Bible, my confirmation saying 16,9: Man’s heart devises his way, but the Lord alone directs his step.
The only thing the lady responded to this long message was that she would like that I take offline all of my posts about her, her healing sessions and related visions. I have to admit, this deeply hurt. It felt as if a sharp knife was plunged violently into my heart. I have done so much for her but not for egoic reasons but because I had been given the divine mission to help her heal her traumas. If it was for egoic reasons, I would have tried to romantically approach the lady weeks ago, because I always liked her, felt a strong connection and attraction to her. But I had pushed aside all of my own feelings to solely be there for her, helping her heal and overcome her past. Basically, I had helped her to get out of troubled waters so that she would be safe from the demons which were haunting her and which she could not face alone. I had done so much for her without expecting anything in return. I mean, I got those amazing higher visions as a reward for my shadow work. For instance, I was able to transmute a symbolic dark demonic water well in an enchanted forest and a golden spiral of our upgraded DNA emerged (see https://lightprism.net/2021/07/15/climbing-up-the-golden-spiral-of-our-upgraded-dna/). Another healing milestone was when I protected her as a noble knight so that she could heal like the sleeping beauty and wake up to her higher powers (see https://lightprism.net/2021/08/02/demons-are-not-welcome-here-anymore/). In yet another healing episode, I processed heavy traumas and received the image of a steam locomotive where I encountered Nikola Tesla who gifted me with a higher upgrade to my abilities (see https://lightprism.net/2021/08/04/a-divine-gift-from-nikola-tesla/). Long story short, in the last 6 weeks, the lady and I went through so much together and I had helped her tremendously on her healing journey. But now the only thing which comes to her mind is to take down all of those beautiful blog posts of our magical healing sessions? To me it appears like another fear-based response, as those posts are not about her alone, they are about her exemplary healing journey which can act as a shining example for others to follow. There is a higher purpose behind what happened in the last 6 weeks.
Still, I am so frustrated right now because I have given so much and asked for nothing in return. And now I basically experienced again the same situation as last year, where the lady suddenly escaped to leave me behind alone, despite all of what we went through together. And to make matters worse, she does not even seem to appreciate anything I have done for her. She either is so enmeshed with her own stories that she is not even aware of what happened or she is aware but does not value it and takes it for granted. That said, she also did not really show a lot of gratitude for the help I offered her. Initially, she did so but later as she reverted back to her constrictive Christian beliefs and she behaved as if I was doing the devil’s work. So basically she added insult to injury and her behavior hurt me deeply. And the thing is, I did not even want to acknowledge that I am hurt by her behavior. I just wanted to move along like a good little soldier and thus avoid facing my own negative emotions. In a way, this is quite ironic too as I blame her for running away from her emotions but I am doing the same thing with my own emotions for her. Hence, my main motivation for writing this is to process and express my own emotions. I don’t even know if she cares about me or about how I feel. Regardless, even if she does not give a damn about me, this would be okay and there would be some lesson for me in letting go. Maybe this is the lesson I need right now, I don’t know. I just feel sadness, very intense sadness, confusion and despair, weighing me down like an old heavy anchor. I hereby state that I accept and embrace those emotions without trying to distract myself from them, even though I struggle with this.
Facing my own troubled emotions
Furthermore, I feel being treated unjustly and unfairly by the universe. I have been carrying such an immense weight and the divine gifts I received since 2020 created a massive responsibility. Through my visions, I was getting intricate details of events happening in the future. For example, right after the lady left last year, I got very strong intuitions that the lady would be back here eventually. Well, the vision was true but I did not get that she would leave again like last year. I suppose this is another lesson in letting go. It is like so many lessons, that I have received and integrated, like a good hard-working student. Also, I have been on a solitary spiritual journey right now for the last 3 years. In hindsight, I know that it was necessary because I needed to get my own life straight, heal my own and my family’s traumas, so I could assume my higher mission without any diversions and distractions. I have been obediently following every intuition, every subtle whisper of my higher self. While I was diligently doing my shadow work 24/7 in the last year, I witnessed how so many people around me have been unable to focus inwards. Most people continued with their outer distractions and dramatic theater plays and a lot of it happens through romantic relationships. In addition, I suffered so much, especially in the romantic realm. It just was not allowed for me to have a relationship. Even with Rosa, I only played out a short yet extremely brutal rollercoaster of old emotions but after I learned the tough lessons, the theater was over. To be honest, a part of me is sick and tired of being the “obedient soldier” and the “good student”. I am still human after all, I also have emotional needs and desires. I would love nothing more than to have a relationship and companionship and ultimately also have a family in the future. This is my heart’s desire and I am aware that I cannot force things. I can only surrender to the often mysterious divine flow. Still, I want to use this opportunity to be open and vulnerable and to talk about my own emotions and desires. Thank you very much for reading.