My whole universe is unraveling around me

My whole universe is unraveling around me

Written on August 13th, 2020.

Despite thinking that I had already overcome my issues regarding romantic relationships, an extremely challenging situation forced me to go inwards and reflect deeply about it again.

Well, things are getting crazy (in a positive way) for me here, I seriously don’t understand anymore what is happening. To be precise, that is my mind does not understand it! I am left to wonder with marevellous awe about those strange unfolding events.

In my last session with the shaman, I resolved a huge chunk of ancestral trauma (see At least I initially was so sure that I had mastered a grand challenge but then IT HIT ME HARD IN THE FACE again. Well, the young lady working for me is a treasure for my self-growth. I told her my experience with the shaman the night earlier and that my bloodline contains nobility, even though the circumstances were very dark. Because she had told me some stories earlier as well about her family origins and we always dove very deep in our conversation even about the most esoteric subjects.

Well, she had asked me before “how to meditate” and I really was thinking something in her turned and now she will face her issues instead of distracting herself in the external world. Thus, I invited her to the Wednesday evening meditation session with the shaman and his wife (which is perfect for beginners). Then, she actually lied in my face, saying she cannot because she needs to help in the kitchen. Later, a friend of hers mentioned something which suddenly made me realize: She moved into her boyfriend’s apartment secretly! So she had lied to me multiple times in different contexts, which I all suddenly realized. So things were stacking up inside of me and I felt really really heavy in my body. The lady also mentioned that her grandmother got her an appointment with another psychologist here but she just said “I’ll just go there because they want to so they leave me in peace”. An unspeakable rage, followed by extreme sadness was filling up my body.

Letting go of everything

So later I went to the healing meditation with the shaman with this heavy energy and the topic this time was “letting go”. He read some biblical texts and we did some meditation exercises and were praying for certain things to improve for this community in particular. The heaviness in my chest persisted. Thus I went on a long walk – the night sky was extremely dark and brutal with rain clouds, like my inside. I did not know what to do anymore so I asked Jesus to share this heavy load. I proceeded to ask, “what am I missing?”, “What lesson is it I have to learn?” and so on. And suddenly it hit me! There still is a reminder of this neurotic love and my ego tricked me into thinking I accepted the fact that the lady is in a relationship, but I actually did not really accept it. Essentially, my ego still wanted to “have her” and tried to influence her so that she can be at my side again later. So it was really a very egoistic motivation there, far away from unconditional love.

Heavy dark clouds on my nightly meditative walk reflected how I felt inside of me.

Once I realized this, an intense energy rush came into my body and I suddenly knew what to do: I needed to face the situation! I thought of 3 things I can do:

  1. Reshift my focus away onto other things, projects and people
  2. Confront her and tell her that I am happy for them and wish them all the best for the joint future
  3. Confront her boyfriend, apologize that I misjudge him and wish him all the best as well.

The heaviness immediately lifted and a feeling of gratefulness replaced it: I can use this as an opportunity to shed my dark/unhealthy parts which don’t serve me anymore! I can make room for some really healthy, unburdened relationships in the future! It was truly magical. The energy shifted from one moment to the next, as I shifted the perspective and let it all go!

In the evening, I faced the boyfriend and apologized for believing that he just uses the lady and has other women at the sidelines. He actually really surprised me. He said that he had a very traumatic childhood and did not know what he was doing (unconsciousness). However, now he changed and wants to get over his problems for the young lady. He seems to be really looking out for her and her well-being.

At last, I did feel relieved because finally, I had clarity about what to do: I needed to step back and let the lady and her boyfriend do their thing, even though I still felt a strong connection between me and her. I realized that I cannot control what they are doing, instead, the only thing I have control over is my reaction to it. So all in all, I did a huge paradigm shift and another step towards overcoming my deepest fears. I also feel I can see the situation more clearly, for what it really is instead of my distorted projection. A perfect analogy is that previously, with my unresolved pain, I saw the situation through my broken glasses – now, after the healing has progressed, I can see much more clearly how the situation really is.

Phoenix rising from the ashes

Another strange thing happened: The song “Things we lost in the fire” by Bastille was in my head for the last week and I have listened to it a couple of times each day and it really gave me the chills.

The next morning I felt heavy again and it got so bad that I started meditating. I tried to imagine what this “heaviness” can stand for and suddenly I started to see it as smoke coming from my heart! Then it hit me like bricks and the lyrics came to mind:

These are the things we lost in the fire, fire, fire

I was the match and you were the rock, maybe we started this fire

we were born with nothing and sure as hell have nothing now

do you understand that we will never be the same again

the future is in our hands and we’ll never be the same again

Bastille – Things We Lost In The Fire

Suddenly I started to see “a phoenix rising from the ashes” in my mental view!  Then I got it: I am in the process of literally burning away every old dirt which is stuck in my heart until it is totally clear and I can rise from the ashes so to speak. Once this is done, I am pretty sure my purpose in this lifetime will reveal itself. I have some intuitions that it is connected to helping others go through the same process to heal. But I am not sure and we will see. 

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1 year ago

It’s great to read about your self growth and spiritual development. I’m a beginner, I wonder if you could reveal the identity of your shaman <3

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