A great epiphany, breaking the negative cycle

Written on July 11th, 2020.

I really felt so overwhelmed with all of my old, unhandled issues coming back up. I almost could not bear it. But this time I decided to face it and so far it goes surprisingly well.

Last night, I did another 2-hour meditative walk in nature here under a clear sky with beautiful stars and a nice fresh breeze. And I had an IMMENSE epiphany about my current situation. In short: When I spend too much time in my head, without listening to my heart, I will hurt myself and others, turning in cycles over and over again.

Now let me backtrack to explain in detail the circumstances that have happened here. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I had a talk with a shaman/counselor where he brought some of my issues back into my awareness. My biggest unhandled trauma was the heartbreak by my first love. Instead of processing it, I closed myself up, tried to control everything and even inflicted damage onto other people (my ex-girlfriend, by treating her in a similar way).

Now it gets crazy: Just a couple of days later, a young lady, was thrown into the project I am working on, to assist me with the large amount of work I have. She is a lot younger than me and even though I feel there is a lot of attraction between us, I always kept my distance because of the age difference. So she was looking for a job here and tried different things before but these things did not work out that well so the project leaders started paying her a bit of money to be my assistant.

Immediately, once this was announced to me, I started getting very uncomfortable (feeling a tightness in my chest). Because I knew she would be by my side most of the day and she would be testing me constantly and provoke old feelings back up. In the past, one controlling mechanism of myself always was that when some girls made me uncomfortable, I would just avoid them and distract myself with work. This time this obviously would not work..

Well, that was two weeks ago! So we have been working together for two weeks now but it feels like 2 months! The emotional turmoil I have undergone is just insane. As well as the number of DEEP conversations we two had – she totally surprised me with her profoundness. Anyhow, I decided to not run away or distract myself this time but to take her or this situation as a CHALLENGE from which I can grow. And how challenging it has been! I felt a strong attraction to her in the first couple of days and after a week it felt to me like we were a couple. I felt strongly this way and her behavior seemed to mirror it, as well as some people commented that we were like a couple. But at some point, her behavior drastically changed and one day she did not respond to my message (even though she read it) when I needed something back from her which I gave her earlier. This felt like an intense rejection to me and brought back ALL OF MY FEARS from the past. I felt this extreme heaviness in my chest and my mind started to go into overdrive with negative controlling thoughts (kind of scary really!).
However, I then decided to go onto a meditative walk again and confront those feelings. And after a while, I suddenly realized that she is just my mirror – the CAUSE LIES WITHIN ME!

This was incredible and a heavy load was taken from my shoulders. It was amazing and really freeing. And the crazy thing is once the heaviness in my chest dropped off, my mind started to calm as well and all those negative damaging thoughts perished with it. Then, I thought that I still cannot tolerate her not responding to my messages. But instead of being passive-aggressive / indirect (like I would have done in the past), I had a calm but firm talk with her, saying that she needs to respond if I need certain things and that my time is valuable, I have many things to do and I will never run after her. And immediately she could relate to what I had said and I felt how she respected me for drawing a clear boundary.

Since then, we are maintaining a bit more distance and focus on the project but every morning we have very deep conversations about facing issues, spirituality, etc. The strange thing is that she trusts me 100% and tells me everything, her deepest troubles and worries. Strangely, I also told her things I never told anybody before.

In any case, yesterday I realized that she is starting to get under my skin and I cannot control or stop it. Extremely uncomfortable feelings of EXTREME FEAR developed and my mind started to spin again like crazy with very negative thoughts. That is when I did another 2-hour walk, talking to myself and trying to understand why I feel this way. And suddenly a grand EPIPHANY happened: These feelings of fear are just a projection from what happened to me with my first love. I am living through this “theater” intentionally to be able to “relive” it once again and be able to react differently now. Once this epiphany came, I instantly felt lighter and energized and all the thoughts perished. It was truly magical again.
I proceeded to speak out loud some affirmations, that I will always confront my negative feelings and thoughts when they arise and NEVER again act out on them unconsciously. So to speak, I need to remove the weeds with the roots to not have them grow back.