Confronting my demons once and for all
Written on July 5th, 2020.
To say the last 2 weeks have been insanely CRAZY for me would be an understatement!
As I told you I have been facing an immense challenge in the project here (building up a solar system) but now additionally a lot of personal stuff has come up which is even more difficult to handle. Essentially I need to confront my inner demons now, as external situations reflecting my past traumas have developed. I have identified the following three traumas:
1. That my father forbid me to work with tools when I was young: He always said “it’s to dangerous”, “it’s nothing for you”, “better stick to what you’re good at” etc. This has been heavily weighing on my shoulders for a while but I started battling this since last Christmas by engaging in practical projects. And I think I am quite well over this, as I am learning quickly new things with the solar project.
2. My time in big city, degenerate lifestyle and peer-pressure of friends to “fit in”: These were my early twenties. I always felt disgusted about the lifestyle but joined in anyways to “fit in”. I did not have the courage or wisdom back then to resist it or go my own way. And a long time I hated myself for it. Only several years later I could finally break free and now as I am living in the countryside here in South America I think I could finally overcome this.
3. My heartbreaking by my first love: I think I never told y’all this here but this is by far the biggest trauma I am aware of. When I was 19, I met a girl and fell deeply in love with here, totally opened up myself only to be “wiped away” because I needed to move to another city. I never experienced a higher level of pain then when she broke up. What was even worse, a) it seemed so easy for her and b) I did not see it coming at all (I was completely naive). Typing this I still feel the heaviness in my chest. I NEVER again really opened up to any lady, I always kept my guards very far up and engaged into the disgusting Godless lifestyle in the city.
I also just realized that I treated my last girlfriend in a similar way my first girlfriend had treated me. I basically caused more trauma, perpetuating the cycle of low vibes.
As you can see point 3 is my current struggling points and certain situations project my old hidden baggage and bring it into the open. I finally need to process this shit and BREAK THE CYCLE. I can’t control/manipulate the external world any longer. I need to face my own inner demons and they are really ugly.
Now the good news, a few days ago the pain was so unbearable that I did a 2 hour long meditative walk and suddenly the load seemed to drop off my shoulders and I could finally forgive myself and leave it behind, at least in part. I can still feel the chills and positive vibes writing this, it was truly magical.
Then for some reason, Linking Park has recently been coming up in my playlists, as it does seem to connect me back to my younger self a decade ago. Really strange back then I did not get the English text (it was just “lalalala”) but now I can understand it too and perceive the profoundness of it. This morning, I was tested again very intensly and the following song come up:
Damn, I totally lost my self control and the tears did not stop streaming out. Suddenly, my upper chakras went crazy as well. This might be what some call “Kundalini” I suppose. Anyways, it is incredibly challenging to me, pushing me towards the edge. This time, I am not running away or distracting myself from it. This time I am facing these things and will resolve them one after the other.
I think this is a paramount part of the awakening and rising in vibration to do this. At the moment I really don’t care about world events. I need to get my shit together. Anyone of you experiencing similar things?